Sometimes, I lose faith in the internet. The endless dating sites, “Make $5,000 a week from home” schemes and of course “Get Ripped Abs In Five Minutes” pop-ups can really get a guy down.
But every once in a while, my faith is restored. Check out this headline and ensuing article- “Mustache transplants on the rise in the Middle East.”
Of all the places on earth, who would think there would be a market for this over there? Doesn’t every guy (and most women) over their have fantastic facial hair?
How emasculating if you didn’t, hence the need.
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In his new mailbag on his new website (Grantland.com), ESPN’s Bill Simmons shares some of the funnier emails he received regarding his new mustache:
Q: Saw you on PTI, Simmons. I have a quiz for you:
Your mustache makes you look like:
A) A supervillain’s accountant.
B) A wealthy/preppy date-rapist’s enabling father.
C) A Russian arms dealer.
D) A washed-up porn star trying desperately to stay relevant past his expiration date.
E) Tom Selleck’s creepy half-brother.
F) All of the above.
— Nick, Seattle
SG: Uh-oh, it looks like we’ve reached the “Rag on Simmons’ mustache” portion of the mailbag. Put on your seat belt and brace yourselves …
Q: I saw you on PTI the other day, and I was just wondering: Does the mustache come with a white, windowless van, or did you have to buy your own?
— Joe, Chicago
SG: I’m renting. Come on, let’s keep this moving, keep ‘em coming.
Q: Quick question: I’m casting a new reality show called “Guys Who Look Somewhat Normal Until They Grow Facial Hair, Then … Hide Your Damned Kids!”. We’re looking at a Spike TV pickup for the spring season. You in or do I need to go through a booking agent?
— Jeremy, Boise, ID
SG: Count me in. As long as it doesn’t conflict with the filming of Magnum PTI.
Q: Nice stache, you look like everyone’s gay uncle that’s still in the closet, but everyone really knows he’s gay.
— Tim, Boston
It does look pretty funny . . .
By Michael Rovner for Style + Tech For Men
Now that the full-beard trend is going the way of the goatee, the mustache is getting more face time with trendsetters. So how can you wear one without looking like a cheese ball?
The truth is, not every guy can. But it can be a powerful accessory and it works well with some of the looks we’ve being seeing on the runways, such as at Tom Ford and Ralph Lauren.
Says Dr. Aaron Perlut, chairman of the American Mustache Institute (an advocacy group, think tank and community center — who knew!) and America’s foremost expert on mustaches: “There really is no best style. It’s more about the image you’d like to portray.”
So, broadly speaking, you have choices. If you’re going for an elegant look, opt for the handlebar, as worn so well by mustachioed luminaries like baseball great Rollie Fingers and art-world legend Salvador Dali. This look is high-maintenance with regular waxing required, but if you have the time, it’s worth it. A more macho look can be achieved with the Fu Manchu, as seen on Hulk Hogan or baseball legend Goose Gossage.
More common these days is the Chevron, which stays above the corners of the mouth. “You see this on 97 percent of cops, as well as Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds,” says Perlut. “It’s very popular in blue-collar circles.”
Whatever look you choose, just make sure you have the cajones to pull it off. As Perlut says, “If you’re going to wear a mustache, don’t expect support from those around. It’s about self-confidence. You’ve got to be able to walk down the street and karate-chop someone for no reason and then go eat a panda steak.”
Michael Rovner Michael Rovner has written for Vogue, Esquire, and Details. He has been on staff at WWD, Star Magazine and Life & Style. He has also covered fashion and style for the New York Post and The New York Times magazine.
Of all the competitions in the world, the Beard and Moustache Championships have to be among the strangest. Men gather from all over Europe to show of the craziest facial hair styles you will ever see.
This year, Austria played host to the Beard and Moustache Championships for Europe. The contest drew approximately 150 participants who then competed in categories such as “Freestyle Beard” and “Natural Moustache.”
As you can see, there were some truly wild participants in this year’s championships. How often do you get to see a man sculpting his facial hair with a hairdryer?