Bill Simmons take heat for his mustache

In his new mailbag on his new website (Grantland.com), ESPN’s Bill Simmons shares some of the funnier emails he received regarding his new mustache:

Q: Saw you on PTI, Simmons. I have a quiz for you:

Your mustache makes you look like:

A) A supervillain’s accountant.
B) A wealthy/preppy date-rapist’s enabling father.
C) A Russian arms dealer.
D) A washed-up porn star trying desperately to stay relevant past his expiration date.
E) Tom Selleck’s creepy half-brother.
F) All of the above.
— Nick, Seattle

SG: Uh-oh, it looks like we’ve reached the “Rag on Simmons’ mustache” portion of the mailbag. Put on your seat belt and brace yourselves …

Q: I saw you on PTI the other day, and I was just wondering: Does the mustache come with a white, windowless van, or did you have to buy your own?
— Joe, Chicago

SG: I’m renting. Come on, let’s keep this moving, keep ’em coming.

Q: Quick question: I’m casting a new reality show called “Guys Who Look Somewhat Normal Until They Grow Facial Hair, Then … Hide Your Damned Kids!”. We’re looking at a Spike TV pickup for the spring season. You in or do I need to go through a booking agent?
— Jeremy, Boise, ID

SG: Count me in. As long as it doesn’t conflict with the filming of Magnum PTI.

Q: Nice stache, you look like everyone’s gay uncle that’s still in the closet, but everyone really knows he’s gay.
— Tim, Boston

SG: Thanks^.

It does look pretty funny . . .

  

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